A Possession Confession Episode 6

What starts as a reflection on anxiety, healing, and “cleaning out the internal closet” quickly spirals into a series of childhood events that raise some very real questions. Mainly, was she an overactive kid, slightly unhinged, or fully possessed?

From chickenpox and mysterious hives to puncturing holes in a waterbed for absolutely no reason, navigating girl gang dynamics, recess weddings, and writing spelling words backwards...this episode is equal parts hilarious, chaotic, and deeply self-aware, but you should listen at your own risk.

Add in a possible bathroom hex, an early baptism, and a therapist who requested a horse drawing… and you’ve got a story that could go in multiple directions.

Spiritual warfare? Undiagnosed ADHD? Just being eight?

We may never know. But we are absolutely going to laugh about it.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Oh hey friends, you know what that song means. It's time for the Claire Bear podcast. Happy boots day, everybody. Alright, you guys ready to just dive right in? The last week I've had a little anxiety, and by a little I mean a lot. Kind of just, I'm telling you, this process is really exciting and fun. And I can't thank you all enough for the support. And when you send little quips about the episodes that you're enjoying and texts and things, I just love that. And it keeps me motivated because this has been a big undertaking, if I'm being very honest. Honest. I'm trying to enunciate more because it sometimes sounds like I talk in cursive. But um yeah, so I am like cleaning out my closet. And for those of you who haven't survived enough trauma in your life, you have a clean closet already. And this analogy won't make much sense. But for those of you who have ever tried to clean out like eight polos in just different pastel colors, and then you're like get the ick from yourself from buying that, and then you get the ick even more because when you thought you were so cool buying those things, and then they sit in a pile, right? And you're like, I mean, they were a lot of money when I bought them, and maybe somebody would want them because they were like really popular in 2013. And then they kind of just sit in a pile. So I think that pile is kind of what I'm dealing with with the podcast of kind of like rebuilding and like kind of cleaning out my internal closet of memories and trauma. And then it's just kind of sitting there, like, now what do I deal with it? How do I organize this? I've discovered I'm a sociopath, so I guess I can just hang it on up. No, it's kind of like that pile now. And I've got to kind of like figure out how to get rid of it and be okay to just let it go, or do I put it back in kind of nice and tidy, folded like color-coordinated polos? I don't know. I don't know. That's where I'm at right now. And so sometimes, you know, with this healing journey, it's just like, well, this is kind of a lot. Now what do I do? And it's not something that anybody can really help you with. I mean, I guess I could go see a counselor or coaches or something, but that's 9.99 for your eight-step process to get your life back and not stop having ADHD in a dirty closet. Well, yeah, I don't, I've done all that and it kind of doesn't work. So hopefully this is working. And I have to say the encouragement coming from y'all is really helpful because there are times where I just want to leave the pile, just leave it there to collect dust and get the ick every time I see it. But I know that you guys are stay consistent, you know, keep giving us the good bits. I do that and I try to show up and I try to do this, you know, and stay consistent. We're a month in, so pat on the back to me for doing this. And yeah, I'm just trying to not be so overwhelmed with it all. And if I sound like a little down, a little scratchy, a little tired, I am. For those of you who don't know, to pay my real bills barely, I do photography. And so we'll now take a break from an ad from our sponsor. Just kidding. But this is really how I pay my bills and I enjoy it. Um, so go look up khcollective.co on Instagram. We have a team of really talented photographers. I kind of pride myself on being a personality hire, though I do know a decent amount about photography, but I can make you laugh in front of the camera. And that's a talent many people don't have. I'm usually paired with a handler that actually does take technically sound, beautiful, stunning photos, but I'm kind of there to be like, yes, Quayne, get it, girl. So if you need photos, if you want photos, if you have an event, if you want to pretend you have an event, if you have a wedding, I really do a lot of weddings. And that's where the story is taking us. I love wedding photography. It's so fun. It's hard to work on a Saturday when everyone is like living their best life. And I'm like, Mr. Bright Sign. Congratulations to Michelle and Ken. Jump, jump, jump. I mean, again, sorry, I'm singing, but just rehashing, you know, the past couple weekends. And then I got home from this wedding on Saturday, which I have been so blessed to do weddings this spring and not sweat to death. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a sweater. Have you guys ever had your ankles sweat? No, probably not, because you're normal. My ankle sweat, my hair sweats, my neck sweats, my forehead sweats, my pits sweat, my lady pits sweat, sweat everywhere. I just, it looks like anytime I'm out in heat and humidity, and it could be like 61 degrees, I could be freezing, sweating, just sweating, just always in my sweat. And then you know, with the later in life change that us ladies go through, more sweating. So I think I'm allergic to my own sweat. Saturday after the wedding, I take off my sweaty clothes that are just a nice level of dampness, kind of like I took a shower in these four hours ago, and then I just wore them around for 12 hours. That's kind of the dampness it feels. So it's not like I'm not sloshing around on a kitchen floor or anything, but I definitely have like a stickiness to my overall clothes. And I have to kind of surgically remove them as I peel them off of my body at the end of a wedding. Gross, I know. And then I'm so tired that I'm like, I should take a shower and I don't. Don't come at me for this, okay? I wash my bed sheets often enough, but sometimes I just put on a hoodie and just throw it over my wet, damp hair and get back to my life, which means going to sleep. On Saturday, I couldn't sleep though, because my entire body was covered in hives and I was itching to death. I know this is probably grossing you guys out so much, but just go with me for a second, okay? So I'm itching to death with these hives, right? And my response is, well, I gotta get sleep because it's already one and I'm, you know, trying to prioritize sleep on my healing journey. And I just decide to take like four Benadryl. I know that's probably way too much. I don't know how this stuff is street legal. I guess they trust, you know, midlife human beings with a driver's license to not take four at a time. So I took four at a time, and I think I was in a full-blown coma for a hot minute, but the hives did go away. But yeah, so sometimes I get hives, just luck of the Irish, white people problems, and I just end up itching my skin off to death. It's so gross. I don't know why I'm telling you that. Oh, because if I sound tired, I think I still might be in a like a state of Benadryl comatose. Okay. So that's what we're working with here. I realize I'm a sociopath. I worked hard this weekend, I got some hives, and I OD'd on Benadryl. It's just a day in a life with me, you know, living my best life. Some people say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think it might just make you sleepy and itchy. I don't know. So I'm dealing with a little of that. But here we are. You guys ready to jump in? Now, this this episode is a little harder for me because it's the divorce episode. Why? I don't know. Because it's not like my parents' divorce was like anything chaotic or uncomfortable. It was really just kind of normal. I'm just so thankful after the divorce that I've been through that they didn't make it about themselves. I mean, I'm sure there were parts of it that they did, but they didn't weaponize us. And that's probably because again, I'm realizing that I'm a sociopath and they were like, you take her, I don't want her, no, you take her, I don't want her, no, you take her. And I also think it's a blessing being poor going through divorce, because like, what are you gonna do? Oh, take the waterbed, darn, so scared. Like, they really didn't have anything. Social worker and a fireman slash paramedic, turned prisoner guard kind of guy. They were public servants making that kind of money. And there wasn't a whole lot to divvy up. They did have to figure out who was gonna take care of their daughter, who is probably they didn't diagnose me at this point. I think it kind we get to that part in this episode. Clinically insane. I have to be, right? Like you're hearing the stories and you're like, she's funny and this is fun, but sh this is not normal. This is like watching a train wreck, and I'm gonna tune in next week because I want to see what happens. I also think because they were just chill people, again, as I described them before, they're very much like, I don't even know how they ended up getting married because neither one of them is a real go, like they're go-getters. I'm not saying that they're lazy, but they're just so laid back. You want to get married? Sure. You want to get married? Sure. You want to get divorced? Sure. You want to get divorced? Sure. And either they were that way or I came along and took all of the emotional energy in the entire household and they had no choice but to be that way. Not sure, because I wasn't around before I was around. So they just had to do their best and go from there. But I will say, I am so, so thankful that it wasn't a war zone. There was no custody battles, they kept it pretty cash, cash and as normal as possible, which I felt like my life is ending. Because I have to over-dramatize everything in my life. Yeah, I was, oh, they should put me in a made-for-TV movie on Lifetime about this. I need to be in one of those shows that you, the teacher wheels out on the VCR and they talk about kids of divorce. I was definitely making this a way bigger deal than it ever needed to be because that's who I am. And it is a blessing and a curse. Am I right or am I right? So while I was making it a much bigger deal of it than it ever needed to be, truthfully, the 80s really peaked for divorce rates. I mean, it was the highest it's ever been in the 80s. So I wasn't really wasn't alone. I didn't know that at the time because I was just living in my tiny little world with my TV on the floor and no social media, still a landline. We didn't even have color ID if you can fathom that. Now we know what people's what color their urine is every morning because we put it on the internet. Yeah. But unbeknownst to me, I wasn't alone in this process. And I would find that out later in life as people start to tell us about their traumatic childhoods and their color of urine and yada yada yada. But I do think it was because, I mean, women couldn't even get credit cards or home mortgages until like 1974. Meaning you had to have a male co-sign on that biz NAS. Ladies is pimps, too. So maybe when we, you know, clod our way to a little independence in 1974. I mean, that's not even how long ago is that? Like 75? No, it's like 55 years ago? That's nothing. So I wonder if it was, I can do this. I can rack up that credit card debt with my low-paying job because I'm sure women at this time made 12 cents to every man's dollar. I'm not man-hating for those of that you that think I am. I'm just describing the state of affairs in the 80s, okay? I could go on a whole tangent about the biblical meaning of unions and connections and the male role and the female role and all the roles. But right now we just needed to talk about some funny stories in the divorce, okay? But one day we can unpack that slowly but surely. I think if it was able to be deciphered and understood, we wouldn't have the problems that we do in family courts and in marriages and all of the things. I think it's kind of a problem that is solvable, but we just haven't gotten there as a human species yet. But no better place to explore this on the Claire Bear podcast in like five years. Okay. Not today. So as a reminder, we're in the 80s. Shoulder pads high, puff paint, American girl dolls, big earrings, giant earrings, short haircuts. Ooh, did you guys see the picture I posted on Instagram? If you haven't, you need to check it out. Somebody did say that it was child abuse. And I think that that hair issues might be a way to diagnose psychosis. Because my bangs were banging in the 80s. And by bangs, I mean everything from like my ear tips forward. I think there was a point, and I probably I think it might have been in second grade that I just permed just the bangs. So it kind of was a mullet in a way that just had a had a perm, like a poodle kind of cut, but it didn't look good on a puffy, tiny rainbow bright child. It was bad. It was bad. My hair has seen a lot of trauma. Or maybe my trauma has come out of my hair. I don't know, chicken or egg, I don't know. But my bangs were banging. And I thought they looked good. Just one half of my head permed. I have my banging bangs, my perms, my chunky earrings, which we'll get to the earring part. But I had probably I was wearing clip-ons for the majority up until this point. And I start to develop a girl group. Yep, a chick click. Yep, my BFFs. This is where I meet my friend T. T becomes my lifelong best friend, whether she likes it or not. We talk about her in one of the episodes, but I don't think it's been an easy road for her. But here we are, and we're still friends. And I'm still calling her, telling her things. And she's still calling me, being like, yes, girl, go. And maybe should I tell her to not do any of this that she just told me? But again, I think she somehow has figured out the unsolvable equation of how to hype me up when I need it most and to not tell me when my life is on fire. And then kindly drop kind of little nuggets, if you will, like canceling gretto little pieces behind to be like, hey girlfriend, not a good sign. Make better choices, okay? Pause on the girl gang for a minute. Let me go back to my ears getting pierced. So I can become a squeaky wheel that gets easily hyper-fixated on an issue or a choice or an idea. And this particular one, I wanted my ears pierced. A lot of my friends got their ears pierced when they were babies. And my mom didn't do that because she was too busy being a hippie and probably making her own cheese. I don't know. But we didn't have our ears pierced. And so I was like, please, I'm the only one. You don't understand what a detriment this is to my life. I need my ears pierced. And my mom was, well, when you're in second grade, you can get your ears pierced. We'll go together and it'll be a great thing, but not until you're in second grade. And I said, Oh, okay, amazing. Well, guess what? Knock, knock. It's second grade. I like my ears pierced, please. Right away, right away. Let's get to it. Get to Claire's. And Claire's was a thing back then. Oh, gosh, do you guys remember Claire's? Such a fabulous little cheap jewelry place that does ear piercings by somebody that makes less than minimum wage. Brilliant, right? Totally normal to get forever holes punctured into your body by a 17-year-old. Love that for me. So we go to Claire's, I get my ears pierced. It's the best day of my life. Except it's not. You want to know why? Because my sister, who wasn't in second grade, she was younger than me, also got to have her ears pierced at an earlier age than I did. And I think that's when the physical abuse between her and I started. And she would fight back, and it wasn't healthy, I will admit to you that. But we were pulling hair, biting, punching, kicking, did not like each other at this moment in time. And I think it's because she got to have her ears pierced two years earlier than I did. That is unfair, unfair in my book, if I have to tell you about the book that I'm never going to write. Um, no, but so she got her ears pierced, and then, you know, long road of like physical altercations between the two of us. We're Irish twins, we look alike, we act alike, we talk alike, all of the things we have very opposite personalities, but yet we're always kind of lumped into each other. And I was like, girlfriend, this is my moment to shine. I wanted to have my ears pierced and brag about it to you, and now you can brag about it back to me. This doesn't seem like fairness. This is my spotlight moment, and I'm sharing it with you now. Again, we've declared I'm a sociopath, okay? I'm admitting it now. I'm not proud of this behavior. I'm just telling you, honestly and authentically, this is who I was: an insane tiny person with permed bangs of half my head. We also had bunk beds, my sister and I. And I think when this physical fighting started to happen, an unfortunate event occurred in which I had eaten my body weight and spaghetti the night before bed. And she was talking, and I think we were yelling at each other and saying mean jokes or something. I don't know. And I just said to her, I'm gonna throw up on you. And I put my head over the top bunk and threw up spaghetti all over her mattress on the bottom bunk. How it perfectly got in there, because you would think that it would go to the side. No, it definitely got into her bed. So I don't know what happened there. If it was intentional on purpose or what happened. Again, psychosis possibly being the case of all of this. I don't know. But again, we have a road of, you know, repairing a broken journey that started from a young age. Okay, I think I'm getting a little crazy right now because I'm like, I'm putting this all out on the internet for people to hear about how insane I was. But again, what can I do about it at this point? Essentially, I've just equated it to pastel polos. And so now I'm trying to figure out how to unpack and repack this stuff in my emotional heart. But back to the girl gang. Okay. So the way our girl gang worked was if you were less dominant, you hooked up with a dominant person that told you everything to do, what to eat, what to wear, which boy to like, what you were gonna, how you were gonna spend your weekends, all of the things. That was your person. You followed them around, you did what they told you to do. Life was good. They told you to hate a girl, hated a girl. You told you to you did da da da da da da da. Okay. T and I were more of the passive ones, which you're like, how did you become the passive one? I'm not really sure. I just was like, listen, if I'm in the cool girl group, like this, these girls have TV trays on wooden stands, which again, they have multiple American girl dolls. They match their hair ties to their skirt, same pattern in print. That was amazing. So if they're gonna tell me to do something, I'm gonna do it because I am creating my own outfits with my Easter shoes from two years ago that are scuffed brown, and I'm rolling my socks in a way that I thought was fire. And it wasn't. And I had four outfits, one pair of jeans that I wore on repeat. Nothing was really matching. They were all interchangeable because, again, we were balling on a budget. But not these ladies. Mm-mm, mm-mm. They had stairs in their house. They had manicured lawns, they coordinated play date outings, you know, to like ice skating rinks, oh roller rinks. It wasn't just like go to your house and find glue and glitter and make a play. They had organized play dates. This was the girl gang of all girl gangs. So my girl gang and their fabulous parents and rich lifestyles of the rich and famous try organizing sports and they invite me to be on a soccer team. So I'm doing my soccer thing. Okay. And as a reminder, I am the least athletic person in the whole biz. I still only had three pairs of shoes. One was tennis shoes. These gals, they had multiple pairs of shoes. They might have had two pairs of jellies. I had one. They might have had three pairs of tennis shoes. They might have had separate shoes for soccer, if you can believe it. Not me. I was just with my full sweatsuit under my soccer outfit, feeling fabulous. And after soccer season, they decided to play basketball. We were the Chicago Chicks. Shout out to whatever mom named our team. It was cute, you know, because Michael Jordan was big, Chicago Bulls. So we were the Chicago Chicks. Again, as I mentioned earlier, I'm definitely a personality hire. I'm the one that is going to be the hype squad, excited. I'll bring my perm bangs with me everywhere. I'm really cheering on the team. Somebody that you want to score points or make baskets or be athletic, not my calling. Never was. I wish somebody had told me that. They try to tell me that a couple years down the road when I don't get invited to be on a tournament team, which is the actual team. So I start my basketball journey. It was short-lived, only two years of just really playing basketball and trying to live, eat, and breathe, being Michael Jordan as a tiny, short, permed bang little gremlin child. The girl gang and I start having sleepovers, sleepovers. You know, the thing that'll change your life is having a group of girls and be invited to a sleepover where you get to eat pizza and drink pop soda for you southerners that don't know what pop is. We didn't have much pop. I don't think it was really like my mom wasn't like, we will not have sugar and pop in this house. It was probably just that we were probably making kombucha and didn't have the money for pop. But pop was so good and wanted to go to friends' houses. I would pour me some of that two-liter and a cup. Ooh, felt fancy and free. So I have my girl gang, my ears pierced, we're playing all the sports, or they're playing the sports, and I'm watching from the bench after I've gotten a ride from someone's mom. Life is good. We find out that our second grade teacher is pregnant, and now we're all in this class together. The girl gang is really trying to one-up each other. Somebody has a slap bracelet, you gotta get a slap bracelet. Somebody has one of those plastic t-shirt ties to the side, not just a knot anymore. You had to get one of those plastic things that you like insert and exert, like a belt buckle thing for your t-shirt. You know, I had to get creative during those one-up phases because I didn't have the money to do all those things. So I probably borrowed a slap bracelet indefinitely, or probably tried to make one of those t-shirt ties out of foil. I don't know, but that's probably where my creative sense of fake it till you make it starts to come into play real strong. Because if I asked my mom for a plastic t-shirt tie, she would look at me and be like, tie it in a knot. You have tiny fingers, you can do this. Not in a mean way, just in a logical sense of the word. Why does that thing exist? Makes sense to me now, but at the time I was coveting a neon orange t-shirt plastic tire thing. My teacher, we'll call her Miss V. She was pregnant with her first child. She was in her second year of teaching, and now she had to handle this girl gang, which I don't know if there was a girl gang before us that was quite as insane and dysfunctional and crazy. And I know from talking to teacher friends that being a teacher has to be hard. And it's not in my calling. I don't, no summers off is gonna be a selling point to watch eight year olds wipe boogers on their desk and eat glue. No, thank you, but fuck. Fact that had to be a hard year for her because there was this one kid, JJ. That kid he was kind of cute. Like a lot of girls wrote his name on the bottom of their shoes in pen. That means you like a boy back in 1988. But he would always just run away from the classroom. And I don't know how he was able to do that, but there are so many memories of me in second grade just watching him run out of the school onto grass and just run. And then we just kind of were like, well, that's weird and went back to learning something. And again, as I've mentioned, I am insane. During this period of my life, I'm insane. I'm admitting it. I'm apologizing for it. I'm owning it. I'm authentically diving into it and unpacking it. Okay. So I know that I'm insane. Okay. And me being in my girl gang brought more insanity to it. The poor parents and my friends and my friends. Again, I'm apologizing to everyone right now. Put it on record. I'm saying sorry. Can I go back and do anything about it now? No, absolutely not. But what I can tell you is, yikes. And I don't know if I was just in my own world of drama and chaos, anxiety and mental issues, or I'm just super selfish and a sociopath. And so I didn't really see the writing on the wall. But now as I'm looking back, the beginning of the year of second grade, I was living my best life. And I'm now realizing, ooh, there were problems in paradise. I'm now seeing kind of the signs trending towards the breakup of my parents. But I really didn't notice it at the time, to be honest with you. And it's probably because I was worried about who was writing JJ's name on their shoe and why he was running away. And that consumed probably a good portion of my just average school day. Also, the other thing that it that filled my mind of anxiety and worry was going into the girls' bathroom and saying bloody Mary seven times and then possibly dying or passing out. And then the egg on the head and the juices falling down, these spells and things, is that what caused my problems? I don't know. I don't know. Again, chicken and egg, we've said it before. I really don't know. All I can do is just tell you about it right now. But in the midst of the witchcraftery hexing in the ladies' bathroom and liking boys, I unfortunately get chicken pox. Did anybody get chicken pox back in the day? If you are a Gen Xer millennial, wait, is it a millennial? No, Gen Xer. Whatever we were, one generation. I can't keep the generation straight, okay? One of us were the last of the Mohicans. Can I even say that? Is that cultural? If you're the cultural police weigh in. But anyways, we were the last of the people to get chicken pox. So I get chicken pox. But in typical Claire fashion, not an everyday case of chicken pox. Nope. For some reason, because it's a virus or something, I don't know. And I don't know if they did this for other people. Again, being the last of the people that got chicken pox, I don't really can't understand it. But they put me on amoxicillin. So I'm just rocking and rolling, just itching myself to death, which it's ironic that I would start in this episode with the case of the hives. And here we are talking about the chicken pox. So I start itching, right? It's gross, just laying there, kind of feeling a little flu-like, watching days of our lives. Marlena's getting up. Did she get like possessed or something? Stefano is coming after her. That was really the only thing that was on the TV during my chicken pox era. And I don't think my parents had a TV in the bedroom. So I think I just kind of stared at the ceiling and itched myself. So then I start taking ammoxicillin, and lo and behold, I'm allergic to moxicillin. Guess what I get? Hives. Yep, just like the ones I got on Saturday, but worse because they didn't go away because I kept taking the amoxicillin, not realizing it wasn't the chicken pox, it was hives. So now I have chicken pox for an extended period of time where I'm laying at the ceiling and bored of life. Meanwhile, because I am insane and I think there was trouble in paradise, and I would secretly be mad either that I was dying of chicken pox hives, maybe I was bored, I don't know. But my parents had a waterbed. What was next to the water bed on my mom's nightstand was a pair of earrings. And for whatever reason that possessed me, again, I don't know. I'm trying to heal from this, I am admitting it. I would pop holes with the back of her earring into the waterbed. They would then be like, this is weird. Why do we keep having holes on the bed? And they would patch the holes up and I would lay again another day of dying from leprosy and I would puncture holes into the water bed. I did this on and off for a good maybe three weeks until finally I realized that them patching the holes was getting out of hand. And I think my mom finally put it together. Oh, when my earrings are on the nightstand, there's holes in the bed when Claire's laying in the bed. But I think she was at her emotional capacity with my near-death experience with chicken pox hives, that she just picked up the earrings and any sharp objects and just admitted to herself, this is bad. This is bad. My child is a psychopath. She she is puncturing holes for no apparent reason. I can't even tell you a reason now that I look back. Now, again, I realize that's like 38 years ago, but I don't really remember being mad or anything. I think I was just bored, thinking, hmm, let's puncture a hole and have it just have a nice tiny leak for inconvenience for anybody that's in my orbit. Yikes. Could I have been possessed? Do you think the Bloody Mary thing possessed me during this year? I don't know. So I get back to school, and guess what I found out? I missed a wedding. Nope, not Princess Diana's wedding. And I don't know why we were doing weddings at school, but apparently it's a thing. This girl named Tara Tekovek married this guy named Craig, and they had a full-blown wedding at recess, and it was a whole thing. I think they also got divorced and somebody else married Craig. I'm not sure. But it was a full-blown wedding with like bridesmaids, a bouquet. Guess where I was? At home watching Marlena get possessed. I don't want to watch Marlena get possessed. I needed to be at that wedding. Do you know the absence in my life that I missed this social event? A recess wedding, how that felt to me? Very depressing. Very, very depressing. I felt so left out. I felt out of the loop. I felt confused. I was not there to be a part of this wedding. I had no idea what was going on. I didn't know who else was getting married at the time. I felt like I needed to have a wedding. And as soon as I got back, we had to have a classroom conference. And they told us, stop getting married at recess. You're eight. So back to writing boys' names on the bottoms of our shoes. Boring, though, because I knew I only had one pair and they had to last me like 18 months. I'm not writing anyone's name on my bottom of my shoes. I'm keeping them pristine. I'm not even walking in mud. So be it that I'm naturally insane or got hexed in the bathroom, the next thing that happened is my parents had to come in for a conference. You know, parent-teacher conferences where they're like, this is this beautiful art project. Oh, here is a poem she wrote about t-shirt ties. I don't know. They bring my parents in and they were like, so we have this thing that Claire did, and we're not sure how to handle it. She wrote all of her spelling words. Remember back in the day they had spelling tests? They would audibly say the word, and then you would write it down on your little notebook piece of paper and turn it in as you should, and so that you can prove that you know how to spell words that are audibly said out loud. I don't know if they do that anymore with Singapore math and the whole thing, but back in the day we had spelling tests, okay? Just telling you how it was. So on this particular occasion, I wrote my spelling words upside down and backwards. You guys, I'm now realizing right now in this moment, I did hex myself. That is insane. Or, or I do have dyslexia and ADHD, which I get diagnosed later in life, but it could have been the hex also. I never was medicated in my younger years. And then later on, I had a boss that was diagnosed with dyslexia, and I was like, I should check that out. And then, of course, I was like, I don't know what words are. Now that I'm processing all of this out loud, do I need an Etsy witch to reverse the curse that happened in 1988 while I was doing some weird egg on the head spell in the bathroom? Or am I responsible for the fallout of my entire life? Can somebody help me? Put in the comments what I need to do because looking back, I'm like, wow, maybe this was like some sort of curse or spell or spiritual warfare or something. Because this same year in December, right before Christmas, I get baptized, which is a weird time to get baptized, right? But it's after all of this chaos of watching Marlena get possessed and chanting spells in the bathroom, messing up my entire life for its rest of its entirety. And then I got baptized and things didn't really change, okay? I love the Lord. I'm Christian. I'm glad that my mom baptized me and I'm glad I was there for it and can remember it. It did take out my perm for a hot minute while I had to get my head wet at church in front of everybody in a fancy dress. Kind of weird, but whatever. Dedicated myself to the Lord that day, the Lord and Savior, and still was cursed. So it could be my own doing, mental disorder, ADHD, dyslexia, you know, the whole thing, anxiety. As we know, I lied to somebody and found out that Santa wasn't really Santa. But I was still testing a theory because I wanted to believe. And so after baptism, then came Christmas. And of course, I was like, you know what? If Santa's real and he's gonna bring me anything, and we did get cats that year, and I was obsessed with cats. I don't know why. My dad hates cats, my mom wasn't necessarily a cat person. We already had the three dogs. One might have died at this point in time, but neither here nor there, we did get a cat. And I think that cat like went was an indoor outdoor and also got pregnant, and then we had kittens later on that year. It was a very exciting year. We named one Orangy Dorngy, Sylvester, but the first one, her name was Holly because Christmas, Holly Precious. Now, a sad thing happens to Holly later down on the road, but since we've talked about so many crazy things happening, let's just save that, okay? I still need to take care of me, my mental health, and realizing that I am a cursed sociopath, okay? Okay. So adding my cat dying to that, I'll have to go back into a Benadryl coma. That's all I can say about that. It's Christmas. And I decide to test this theory about Santa that I've been sitting with for a couple of years now. I decide to ask for a computer to type and print out reports. Why do I need a computer? I'm not sure. I think we did have them at school at this point, and we're starting to play the organ trail, a very fun game, by the way. We have organ trail, super fun. And then I think there were there was another game that we played that was like in the sea. We didn't do much on the computer, but going to the computer lab, we did have those hearing tests. Remember, you would have to put on those earphones and hook it up to a computer and then find the number and the circles. I know you can't explain it. Why am I even going on this tangent? I don't know, but I wanted a computer. So I asked for a computer. I also asked for a flute. I thought I was going to be the next best flute player in the entire universe. I mean, if sports wasn't going to work out for me, I could have a fallback career on being a symphonic flute player. Of course, I needed a flute because I had no way to get flute lessons. There wasn't a band in elementary school. I don't know why I wanted a flute, but I wanted a flute. So I asked for a computer, a flute, a cat, which I did get the cat, but instead of a computer, I got a calculator. And instead of a flute, I got a recorder. And that confirmed what I already found out, sadly, when I was six years old and lying that I knew a secret that I didn't know. So now I definitely confirmed that that secret is true. So there was that. I think the cat was kind of a guilt purchase, if I'm being truly honest. One, they're free. You can get a cat pretty much anywhere off the streets. And then two, I think they knew they were headed for the big D, and I don't mean Dallas. And so I think they started doing things that were kind of easing the guilt. Would I know? No, because clearly I'm too focused on recessed marriages and Marlena being possessed and doing curses and getting baptized all at the same time, which actually could sum up my life very well. This is a very good indicator of what's to come in my life. A lot of spiritual awareness while I'm cursing myself. So there's that. That's fun. In addition to the cat, we had a cool sleepover. I had all of my friends sleepover, and I rarely had play dates or anything like that. Again, we're balling on a budget. We didn't have enough money to do these things quite often. And I think my mom was overwhelmed with having a sociopathic child. My birthday's in March, and I had all my girlfriends over, including the one that goes to a different school that I met and told me about Santa, you know, Hannah. So she was also at the sleepover. So it was like six of my friends. We puff painted shirts. We stayed up till two in the morning. My mom hung out with us and made like taffy. I think it tasted like cardboard, but it was a really fun process. I think we even walked around the neighborhood for a minute, which was scary in itself to do on a regular day, let alone a Saturday night. So that was really fun. And that was probably the first and last sleepover birthday that I had for a while because things start to get a little rocky from here. So I've got a cat. I've got some earrings pierced in my ears, feeling myself, had a fabulous sleepover with my friends, and Easter comes. And what not a better day to tell your daughters that you're going to get a divorce than on Easter Sunday? Get them a fabulous new ruffled dress, new patent leather shoes, new ruffly socks, maybe a hat and a matching basket. I think on this particular Easter they went all out, and me and my sister had gloves. You know, those white gloves with the lace on the bottom? Yes. So right before we go to church, I'm recently baptized, feeling one with Jesus, saved by the Lord. They're like, ladies, come in and talk to us. We go back to the couch. You know, the infamous couch where we do so many of our family meetings. This is the last one, by the way. And I sit on my dad's lap, which is a weird memory about this process, but it's there. Okay. I don't know why. And they were like, we have something to tell you. We're getting a divorce. And I was like, okay, I don't know what that means for me personally, with my curse and my new journey with Jesus. But this is a lot for me to understand. I think I cried because I thought I was supposed to cry, but I don't remember having those feelings of sadness or, and again, that could go back to my mental illness, or it could be the curse. I don't know. But if I'm remembering correctly, and I might not be, my sister, mom, and I just go to church, and my dad doesn't go. And then we don't see him for a while. And then he moves into a really cool apartment, which looking back isn't really cool. But it had like palm trees in an indoor pool, which you know what kind of apartment I'm describing. But when you're eight, that's really cool. Apartments are very cool, especially if they have a pool. You know, and you're balling on a budget, there's an indoor pool, you're gonna feel yourself, even though I probably now have a case of hives, chicken pox hives for the rest of my life because I spent many a weekend in that pool. And by many a weekends, uh, probably once a month, but still, that could probably be the reason I am having hives today. Really uncovering so much about why my life the way it is. Thank you all for just sitting with me in this journey in this weird ass episode, as how I've described to you that I am certifiably insane and have been since I was a young child, and I'm just discovering that. And it could have been many a things, but we'll never know. And who's to blame? We can't tell. It doesn't matter if it was the hex in the bathroom because it's not like things shake out differently. I'm kind of going through the motions of life, just not really realizing what's all happening. And that's because I was too worried about recess weddings, where JJ was running off to, and the pickle sale. And on this particular day, the teacher was very pregnant. So we're towards the end of the year, and there was a pickle sale, and I think we had a, we were kind of getting scolded at the time, and she was going to hand out the pickles, and I think she kind of got a little snarky. Who wouldn't with a bunch of kids they're planning their life weddings at recess and writing names and running off? It seems a very chaotic and being cursed in the bathroom and writing spelling words upside down. Again, I would probably lose my temper more than once. We're in the spring, it's her second year of teaching. She's probably questioning all of her life choices, why she's in this role. She's also pregnant. And in Colorado, it's not that hot, but still, it's miserable to be pregnant at all, anytime ever, even in a freezer. Combine that with second-year teaching, that's a no for me, dog. That's gonna be a hard pass on ever making that a life choice. I will commit to life hexes and Jesus forever and ever before I sign on to do something like that. But she got a little snarky. And I'm not calling her out for that. I'm calling me out for what I do next. So she turns around to get the pickles or something. It was a pickle sale. I just remember I really wanted the pickle at the moment. And she said something and I mock her. You know, like how people will be like, so with my like mouth moving, I'm like rolling my eyes and mocking her, and she turns around and she sees me. This is when I use trauma to get myself out of tricky situations. I probably should have blamed it on my hair trauma. That couldn't have been great, having half of your head perm and the other half just completely straight. It could have been due to that that I outlashed, like it probably was due to hair trauma, if I'm being really honest and looking back. It can't be easy to look at a kid like that every day and like them that they have half of their head perm and the other half completely straight with a tight curl under. That's weird. It doesn't look good. I think she withheld my pickle. I had to stay after school and apologize. It wasn't really a bad consequence that I can remember. I do know that I feel bad for it to this day. And I was like, my life is ending and my parents are getting divorced. When really my life was just getting started. Up indoor pool, cats, fabulous sleepover, hello. I was hitting the jackpot of being eight. But I feel bad I did that. And I shouldn't have done that. With all that was on her plate, that was the wrong thing. That was definitely something to make her snap. And I just did it to probably try and be cool in front of a boy that I wasn't willing to write his name on my bottom of my shoe, but I was willing to be like, watch me be a crazy girl and mimic the teacher. And the last indication that I was the weird one is that when all of this was going on, my parents then signed me up to see a therapist, an old male therapist. Don't worry, this doesn't go like into the dark web of weirdness. Okay. It was just weird that I was in an old Victorian house with a man that seemed haunted, and he had me draw a picture of a horse. I didn't feel good going to those counseling sessions. And I don't understand the meaning of the horse. I wish I still had a picture of that picture so I could fully diagnose myself. I think this guy was a hack, if I'm being honest. And this begins my road with counselors on and off in my entire life. That um I'm like, why am I drawing a horse? This isn't really aiding my recovery. I'm not sure where we're going here. This seems off. And nothing ever really happened. I don't think I went back. But what I can tell you is my sister never went to that counselor and she never had to draw pictures of horses. Okay. So there was something that was seriously wrong with me, probably because I'm insane. One, two, hex. Three, spiritual warfare. Because I just dedicated my life to Jesus Christ, the one and only. And he will walk with me through the rest of my life, and it will be a journey, a journey with Jesus. That's what I'm gonna rename the podcast one of these days. I'm just kidding. But um, yeah, so many reasons. And I'm sure you're now questioning your life choices and thinking, wow, even that one mistake I made, it's not this bad. This is bad. It is bad. And that's why we're here. Blessing, accursed, silver lining, double-edged sword, whatever you want to call it. But that's why we get to live through these moments. And it's very difficult to go back and realize this is all going on. And I'm just participating/slash causing all of this chaos and drawing pictures of horses. But that's why we're here today. And hopefully, if nothing else, if I don't fix my life and realize that I was hex-cursed, insane from the beginning, or if we can't laugh about it, then what was the purpose of going through all of this trauma in the first place? The purpose is that we get to laugh about it on this podcast and hopefully change lives. And if you notice that you have a daughter that is insane and doing hexes in the bathroom, tell her to stop or buy an Etsy witch. I don't know. You can try baptism route. It kind of worked for me later on in life, you'll see. But that is when I think I sign my soul over to say, you know what, I'll go ahead. I'd like to be have a Bible story about me. I didn't never want that. Looking back, I just want to be the person that attends the water to wine ceremony. That's it. Just a nice ticket to see water turn into wine and be able to drink it and then be an anonymous in the Bible. I don't want an anonymous story because later in my life, when I go through a bunch of other stuff, I say, well, they don't write about people in the Bible that have had it easy. I know, and that's a good thing, and that's what I wish I had. But here we are. I'm not saying I'm writing the Bible story about my life, but I am saying I connect with Job. I connect with the people that got stuck in a fire in the belly of a whale. And I'm here to talk about it and laugh with you and tell you it could be spiritual, it could be insanity. We're not sure yet, but let's keep going and we'll discover more. So, if nothing else, I hope you've had an amazing day listening to this insane story. We'll pick it right up next week and we'll talk about more hilarious slash insane stories, and we'll get this show on the road. How do y'all feel about that? I hope I didn't cause any mental illness or, you know, cases of hives or anything via this episode. I want you to all stay happy, healthy, and thankful for the childhood you had. And with that, I will say this has been another episode. A little unhinged, actually a lot. Of the Claire Venopan. I cannot wait. See you all next Tuesday when we unpack more of this insane, unhinged life journey. I love you all so much. Go out and make it a great day. See you next time.